utterly confused (rockinturtle) wrote,
utterly confused
rockinturtle

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i am

i have changed so much, and it seems like i'm changing more and more every day. sometimes i wake up in the mornings and i love the preson i am quickly becoming, and then other days i just wish i could go back to the person i used to be. i am so much more bitter now then i ever have been, and i don't seem to trust people. but on the other hand, i also have my eyes open so i can see the real person standing in front of me instead of the person i want them to be. its weird for me, to wake up and see a different person evey day when i look in the mirror-- almost like i am growing all the time. its really nice, to be able to say that i am finally my own person, but i also need peopel to lean on, and i thankfully have those people whenever i need them. granted, they are definitely not the same people i used to trust with everything--those people don't have a clue what i am going through. but, i can truthfully say that these people are my best friends, and i know in my heart that they will always be there for me, for whatever i need from them. don't get me wrong, it does hurt that some of the people i used to tell everything, and who, at some point, i thought knew more about me then i do, don't care anymore, but not having them has made me realize that i can't do this on my own, and i deserve to have people who love me to be there for me. and if they can't, then i will find people who will, and have. so, thank you to all the people who care enough about me to listen to me bitch about whatever is going on-- it means more to me then anything, just like always. i seriously don't know what i would do if i didn't have these seven people in my life...you guys have been my lifesavers, just like always, and i love you more then you will ever know. you have all helped me to realize what i need and want in my life, and what is just making it worse. you guys have given me strength, and helped me to let my true colors show through. i'm not a strong person, but with you guys around i feel like i could lift the weight of the world onto my shoulders, and you will all be there to help me...its a great feeling. i know i'm getting all sentimental and all that, but, well, its been a bad day. lol...i guess i just am realizing how thankful i am to have seven people i can talk to about anything, when some people don't even have one. i wouldn't give you guys up for the world, and i hope you all realize that. whew, at least i got that off my chest. :o)

so, i had lunch with ryan today...that was really cool. we got out of music early and went to the student center...we had a good time. ryan is a rockin person...huah. lol... hmm...what else has been going on. oh! KIAC (kent israel action commitee) has recruited their first catholic jew. heh...maybe i should explain that. so, maya is the pres. of KIAC, and she's like "jessica! come to one of our meetings, because we want to get more people involved, and not just jewish people." so i was like, "ok". already hillel thinks of me as one of their members because i go to everything...what can i say, i like hanging out with those people a lot. and they actually think its cool that i'm a catholic, because judiasm is so close to catholicism. so, i go to meetings and rally's and bbq's and all that, and we all have a good time. so we're sitting there at KIAC, and maya asks me what opinions i have on how to get more people around campus involved in israel and all that, and i just start throwing out ideas to her and the rest of the group, and they all pretty much liked them. it was really cool...it was like they were appreciation my opinion, even though i wasn't jewish, and the whole group is composed of jews. so it was awesome...definitely a cool thing. so i've been recruited to help get more religions to learn more about israel and their side in the conflict, and thats something i'm really excited about because i feel like i want to be involved in SOMETHING at kent, so i don't fell like my time here has been wasted. and, today i went to my first catholic student association metting, and that was cool also...they're going to camden this spring, and i'm DEFINITELY going to go to that. maybe i'll see genesis again! woo...

so the general shit that has been going on family wise and such for the last two months is still going on...heh. and to make matters worse i have no contact with my family because my phone doesn't work all the time...blah. and i guess my cousin nate was just shipped out this week, so everyone should keep nate in your prayers...or something. lol...nate is totally a cool kid...

and school is totally stressing me out. espicially my russian math teacher...heh. its tutor time! lol...

and on that note, i'm gong to sleep. g'night.
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